Parental Stress

The NYTimes has an interesting piece out about how fathers are dealing with their new role as not just provider but nurturer as well. As the downer title (Now, Dad Feels as Stressed as Mom) implies, the short answer is: Not very well.

...several studies show that fathers are now struggling just as much — and sometimes even more — than mothers in trying to fulfill their responsibilities at home and in the office. Just last week, Boston College released a study called “The New Dad” suggesting that new fathers face a subtle bias in the workplace, which fails to recognize their stepped-up family responsibilities and presumes that they will be largely unaffected by children.
Fathers also seem more unhappy than mothers with the juggling act: In dual-earner couples, 59 percent of fathers report some level of “work-life conflict,” compared with about 45 percent of women, according to a 2008 report from the Families and Work Institute in New York.
The research highlights the singular challenges of fathers. Men are typically the primary breadwinner, but they also increasingly report a desire to spend more time with their children. To do so, they must first navigate a workplace that is often reluctant to give them time off for family reasons. And they must negotiate with a wife who may not always recognize their contributions at home.

I'm always a bit leery of these articles that take statistical trends and abstract them out to absolutes - in short, anything that states things declaratively. Myself, I've never felt any subtle bias in the workplace about the duties i've needed to provide as a father, but I've always been very upfront about what I feel my parental duties require. I also try, as much as I can, to steer clear of the more damaging gender roles. Having said that, Kelly and I have fallen into a certain division of labor with the kids, and that she spends more time thinking and planning for the future then I, leading to her feeling, in the article's phrase "psychologically responsible, and that’s a burden... That psychological responsibility adds to the sense of feeling like you’re doing more, even though it may be somewhat invisible." But all in all I think that we've worked out a good arrangement - for now, at least. (Who knows what tomorrow will bring as the kids get older!) And both of us certainly try to support and acknowledge each others efforts. Having said that, I know that needing two incomes does put a stress on things - there's never enough time to cook, to put as much attention into the kids after work as you'd like, and daycare is certainly not an ideal way to raise your children, regardless of the quality of the caregivers - but at the moment we're doing the best we can. And I don't feel unduly stressed at any given moment.